Let’s Be Honest: The 2016 NFL Season Has Started Off As A Real Suckfest

We’re just two weeks into the regular season, and things are looking quite ugly my friends. Things are so bad that a real, live professional football game between a recent Super Bowl contender and their divisional rival finished with a score of 9-3 this week. What the shit kind of score is that? I’m pretty sure there were higher scoring games in the UEFA European Championship this summer.

In fact, for the first time in a long time you could venture to say that there is no team in the NFL that looks like an early Super Bowl contender. Sure there are perennial postseason contenders like the Broncos, Steelers, Patriots that have yet to lose a game; but can we really say that those teams look dominant?

The Broncos have already used up their “fluky Super Bowl win” card. We all doubted that their defense could stand up all season the way they did last year. They proved us wrong. They aren’t going to be able to pull that off again. Von Miller is an incredible athlete, but even the greatest linebacker in the world can’t win games entirely on their own every week. Their lamentable offense barely beat the Panthers at home in Week 1, and it came down to the wire again at home in Week 2 against the woeful Colts.

The Patriots looked impressive in Week 1 against a Cardinals team that proved their mettle with a walloping of the Buccaneers in Week 2, but between injuries, suspensions and a horrible defensive performance in Week 2 they are holding on by a thread. Rob Gronkowski hasn’t played a snap yet as he battles a hamstring injury. We all know Tom Brady’s situation. Stud linebacker Rob Ninkovich is out on suspension until Week 5 along with Brady, and his even more important counterpart in Dont’a Hightower missed the game in Week 2 with a knee injury. And now, backup QB and burgeoning star Jimmy Garoppolo missed the entire second half after taking a huge hit from Kiko Alonso and is not expected to play in Thursday night’s Week 3 opener.

Get ready for four quarters of Jacoby Brissett, everybody.

Then there’s the Steelers. After a Week 1 demolishing of Washington, they looked poised to return to a position of power in the AFC. But in their ugly Week 2 win over the rival Bengals, their flaws were exposed. Ben Roethlisberger had three touchdowns, but he also threw two interceptions and completed just 19 of 37 pass attempts. His below average completion percentage was largely due to the fact that Antonio Brown was all but shut down completely for maybe the first time ever. Plus many would contend that it was a lucky and probably incorrect call on a Bengals fumble near the end of the game that sealed the deal for the Steelers.

And those are the three most promising teams that are 2-0 right now. Your remaining 2-0 teams are:

Baltimore Ravens
Houston Texans
New York Giants
Minnesota Vikings
– and possibly the Philadelphia Eagles.

That’s a real murderer’s row right there. Woof.

We can rule the Texans out as a legitimate contender right the hell now. The Ravens are a wild card and they always have been, but you and I both know that they could end this season with 6 wins just as easily as 12. And there’s no way in hell that Sam Bradford is the answer in Minnesota even with Adrian Peterson; who now has a torn meniscus.

That leaves us with the Giants and the Eagles, who have to battle each other if they want a guaranteed ticket to the playoffs. The Eagles are without a doubt one of the most hapless franchises in the NFL. They wouldn’t know how to capitalize on talent if their lives depended on it. If Carson Wentz is the answer to their problems, they willfind a way to screw that up. I can promise you that.

And the Giants barely managed 16 points against the Saints in Week 2. THE SAINTS. I could round up ten random people off the streets in my neighborhood right now, including a couple of children, and we could score 16 points on the New Orleans Saints defense.

This is all not to mention the fact that generally dependable NFC teams like the Seahawks and Panthers have looked inexcusably inept in at least one of their first two games, and the Packers have absolutely no idea what they are doing. And although the Cardinals still look like a force to be reckoned with, particularly defensively, their loss at home to a depleted Patriots team is a sober reminder that they often lack the discipline to close out tight games.

Now obviously it’s still very early in the season. Things are going to change. The good teams are going to figure things out and address their weaknesses. The cream will rise to the top. It’s just that this season, the cream may be a little curdled by the time it gets there. So enjoy the shit show everybody…

Oh, and if you’re not a Patriots fan then you better pray that Tom Brady is a little rusty when he comes back because it’s looking like there are very few teams out there that’ll be able to put up much of a fight.

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